Never Seeing Kristina Again
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Director: Kelly Fremon Craig
Writer: Alex Conn
Cast: Gabriel LaBelle, Rachel Sennott, Bridgette Lundy-Paine, Anna Cobb, Joe Swanberg, Jack Dylan Grazer, Dylan Minnette, Madison Pettis, Sunny Suljic, Joshua Bassett, Judy Greer, Jace Norman
Plot: The film opens with Owen Glassburger the senior boy who’s the star in all the plays who is backstage in a circle group during tech week discusses what he’s going to do before the play together he is going to get a full body massage with a happy ending , he’s going to read the first half Infinite Jest and transcendental meditation. A kid says how long does it take you about a day that’s my day on Friday before the play Is He Dead. The director Mr Baker (Joe Swanberg) calls for Owen Glassburger (Joshua Bassett) to be on stage. Owen says see you Saturday for the play. a girl and a guy kissing at a Port Chester diner after party. We cut to the face of Tom (Gabriel Labelle) who is watching from a distance. Tom immediately barfs in the toilet and gets on a late train to his cousin Jules’ apartment.
Jules (Rachel Sennott) and her girlfriend Harper (Bridgette Lundy-Paine) are in the apartment smoking joints. Tom doesn’t open up but Jules can tell something’s wrong so they decide to roast him until he opens up. Tom admits that he had a crush on this girl Kristina (Anna Cobb) and she was his scene partner. He had this grand plan that at the after party of the play Tom would ask her out at the after party and then Kristina kissed her boyfriends. The girls Harper and Jules visibly and audibly react. Harper asks Tom to describe this chick. He describes her as glasses brown hair. Tom says his friend said she looked like a school librarian. Jules looks at the photo and says your friend is right. Also that bitch is so wrong for you in more ways than one.
Harper says and don’t tell me she’s the class president. Tom says yes she is and Harper says of fucking course she has. Jules says you really think your hipster ass is going to fuck the class president. How delusional are you?
Harper then says what attracted her to you. Tom says on the first day we met she told me and a few other people that she became an atheist after her confirmation which is similar to how he became an atheist.
Jules says there’s so many atheists in the country. Many are boring not all are Christopher Hitchens. Harper jokingly says Sam Harris is an atheist and look at how boring that motherfucker is. Jules says Bill Maher wants to bomb any country where the citizens are brown.
It becomes Christmas break and Tom in his bedroom writes a text to Kristina saying merry Christmas and he waits on the phone for 30 minutes.
The film then cuts to health class where Mrs Jansen (Parker Posey) discusses health clsss for the remainder of the semester. We will discuss mental health, sex and everything related to your body and wellbeing.
Three jocks are in the back who are visibly older than the rest of the class named Chris (Tanner Buchanan), Jacob (Jack Dylan Grazer) and Brandon (Dylan Minnette). Mrs Jansen assigns a group project where you share things you’ve accomplished. Tom gets assigned with the older kids. They all laugh at the quit smoking weed option for accomplishments. Chris asks Tom what’s his story tell us about yourself. Tom says he’s just an aspiring playwright and he’s in the theater club. Jacob asks any girls you interested in we can hook you up with them for you. Tom smiles. Tom reveals its Kristina Metzler. Brandon says the class president? Brandon says it’s gonna be hard. Chris said we’ll do it. Jacob says she always gave me the vibe of a chick who doesn’t shave her you know what. The jocks all collectively say ew. Chris says that’s bullshit. I shave my down there I hate this feminist bullshit. Tom says women should be the arbiters of what they do with their bodies. Chris says I’m just saying if we have to shave our balls then women should have the decency to shave their pussy.
After class Chris introduces Tom to his girlfriend Janie (Madison Pettis). Chris says Tom wants Kristina. Chris is like isn’t she in your history class. Janie says yes and Janie says that you could genuinely snatch her. Isn’t she a theater kid just go that angle and don’t be intimatated. Chris then says randomly do you think girls that don’t shave pussy are disgusting. Janie says of course. Tom then says it’s a women’s choice. Janie says when you go down on one you’ll care.
Tom shares what he has learned with Harper and Jules who say these jocks are insane. Why are you going to take the word of dumb jocks who somehow care about what a woman does with her own vagina as gospel. That you can somehow snag a girl with a boyfriend I must say.
The next scene is auditions. Mr Baker makes clear there will be no cuts; everybody who wants to be in the show is in the show. People have suggested Legally Blonde.
I didn’t know much about Legally Blonde but I saw the musical and I always said if I don’t get passionate about a musical I don’t stage it here at Rye High School. The musical amazed me with its themes and emotion and since you guys love the show. This show is going to sink or swim with the buzz. Now onto auditions for which role you will be given. Many kids do classic musical songs. The stoner kid Mike (Sunny Suljic) sings the alphabet song.
Mike says you’re never going to get Kristina bro. She’s fucking taken. I know who’s fucking her my man. He’s a Boy Scout, clean cut motherfucker.
We then cut to Harper and Jules saying we like Mike. Harper suggests we give an award to Mike for giving you good advice. Jules says we need to move past this bitch. Harper mentions they have to go work. Jules says should we bring the kid. Harper says might as well. Tom says what work. Jules says I perform in my band The No Fucks Given and Harper bartends. They bring them to the punk club The Joint and they run into the club’s owner Harmony (Sam Seder). Harper is super excited to play with Harmony. Harmony puts Jules and Tom in the VIP line.
Jules is about to go backstage but says to Tom have fun but abide by these simple rules, no throwing up, no groping some girl’s boobs or anywhere on her body without her consent and have the best fucking time of your life.
The next day Tom’s parents on Saturday are going out and Chris says that he should come to his place. Tom and Chris smoke marijuana and Chris says that his main advice for Kristina is to act hard to get still talk to her occasionally but reject her at first. It always works, trust me. You gotta play hard to get my friend now you wanna drink some beer. Tom drinks the beer and they play beer pong and Tom is very clearly out of his element. We then cut to the premiere of the show. Harper and Jules come to the show. Tom’s mom (Judy Greer) hugs Jules and thanks her for coming. Jules and Harper go to their seats. Jules says this is what Tom thinks will bring him his dream bitch. Jules sees Kristina in the show and says to Harper I don’t see what Tom sees and Harper agrees.
During intermission all of the seniors including Tom give speeches. Tom is mainly that art. He's really shy so he doesn’t say anything. Kristina discusses how this might be her last thing being on a stage she says maybe if I have a mid life crisis. Alex looks realizing Kristina wasn’t the girl he thought she was.
After the show Jules and Harper find Tom and just laugh. Harper says let’s go talk to Kristina and her boyfriend . Jules says this will embarrass Tom enough to never think well of her.
Jules says you know Tom has a little crush on you. Kristina is silent. Tom is nervous. Jules says and look at the class president’s basic inoffensive boyfriend. We then see Kristina’s boyfriend Sam who recognizes Tom him and his catholic school goons go to beat him up.
Jules and Harper fight against the Catholic school boys . “Fucking burgeoise fucks” she says. Jules and Harper tell Tom’s mom we’ll take care of him.
Tom is on the train with Harper and Jules and he is clearly bruised and they apologize. When they are back in the apartment the two reveal why this embarrassment will be the best thing that ever fucking happened to you.
Jules illustrates when he gets home Jules’s tips for not thinking about Kristina. If she ever wants to talk to you which she won’t just give her the stone face or say you only have two minutes. Harper adds say that you have something important to get to even if you do but who’s kidding Kristina will just walk right by which leads us to how to survive class encounters.
Just as Harper says Kristina largely ignores Tom and the year comes to a close. Tom after graduating high school goes to Jules and Harper’s apartment and Jules says that today is a big day for you. Jules says she talked to Tom’s mom and he’s living with us for New School she’ll pay the rent . Jules and Harper say there’s one thing you have to do before you can officially move into your new home.
Harper says you have to text Kristina never text me again and block her. Tom is initially reluctant but does it and feels happy about it. Harper and Jules throw Tom a party,
That night at a punk show Tom makes out with a drunk girl. Jules says to Harper don’t ruin this moment for him.
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