Duke Nukem
Genre: Action/Comedy
Director: Shane Black
Writers: APJ & Chad Taylor
Based on the video game series
Cast: John Cena, Walker Scobell, Kate Hudson, Danny McBride, Hannah Kepple, KJ Apa, Carl Weathers, Famke Janssen, Ken Jeong, Katrina Bowden, Callie Haverda
Plot: Fires burn throughout Los Angeles as our protagonist, who’s perspective we are seeing from, strides through the wreckage with an RPG in his left hand and a shotgun in his right. He soon finds a helpless bikini-clad woman, needing to be rescued from an alien with sharp teeth and a big ass brain. A cop car pulls up to the scene and out comes a grotesque pig-man in a police uniform. The camera turns toward the cop and blasts him with the shotgun. “One down.” The protagonist then slaughters the alien with the RPG and frees the girl. “None to go.” Instead of thanking him, the girl tells him to think again and her mouth opens to reveal layers of sharp teeth and that she was an alien in disguise. As she goes to eat his face, he takes the cigar from his mouth and throws it down her. As she backs away, he shoots her with a pistol in the throat once, causing her whole body to erupt into flames. He casually walks away to a mirror, where Duke Nukem (John Cena) checks himself out — virtually unscathed.
“Damn, I look good.”
Dylan Miller (Walker Scobell) says it at the same time as Duke, the video game avatar on his screen in the real world. Dylan is playing a Duke Nukem game on an old Playstation. He knows this game like the back of his hand. In the background, his mom is calling for him and he has to shut off the console. Before he does, he stares into the TV’s screen and Duke’s face. His mom calls his name again and he presses the power button.
Dylan joins his mom Lara (Kate Hudson), sister Jane (Hannah Kepple) and Jane’s boyfriend Trey Duroc (K.J. Apa) for breakfast. There is one seat open at the end of the table. Trey, in his police academy uniform, tells Lara that Dylan is getting to look just like his dad. He then teases Dylan that if he wants to match his dad’s physique that he might need to trade in some of those video games for actual sports like basketball or football. Jane asks if he was playing something from dad’s video game collection. He confirms and says it was Duke Nukem. Lara asks if he could please wait a few more years for that one. Dylan says but it was his dad’s favorite and Lara squeezes her son's hand. She tells him to get dressed as his Uncle Keith is coming to pick him up for the day.
Outside, Dylan finds his Uncle Keith (Danny McBride) waiting for him in his Trans-Am. Keith is in a staredown with Dylan's next-door neighbor General Graves (Carl Weathers), who sits in a rocking chair on his porch in full military regalia. "I don't like that guy," Keith says. Dylan laughs, saying Graves doesn't like anybody. Keith obnoxiously revs his engine before peeling out, accidentally hitting the Miller family's mailbox on his way out.
Dylan and Uncle Keith are at the batting cages where Keith tries to teach Dylan how to hit a baseball. Dylan doesn’t seem interested when his turn comes. Keith tries to encourage him with inspirational quotes from underdog sports movies as Dylan continuously swings and misses. Once the machine runs out of balls, Keith finally says that maybe baseball isn’t Dylan’s sport.
At school, Dylan feels invisible in a sea of happier students. He sees the popular Anna (Callie Haverda) across the cafeteria, sitting with her group of friends. Dylan clearly has a crush on her, but is too nervous to talk to her. He looks around the cafeteria, failing to find an empty table. He walks down the hall with his lunch and asks his science teacher Mr. Park (Ken Jeong) if he can eat in his classroom. Park agrees. Dylan quietly eats his lunch as he watches Mr. Park read the latest issue of People Magazine with his feet up.
Duke is enjoying a burger and a beer at Duke Burger when the roof is ripped off the restaurant by a large alien ship and several Protozoid Slimers fall inside. They latch onto the faces of the customers, biting their faces off. One lands on Duke’s arm, knocking his burger out of his hand. “Nobody messes with my meat!” Duke says as he pulls out two handguns and begins firing away until the entire restaurant is covered in green goo from all the dead Protozoid Slimers. Duke straps on a jetpack that seemingly appears out of nowhere and flies toward the alien ship. He hears the voice of the Alien Queen (Famke Janssen) calling out to him. Duke is suddenly surrounded by a blinding white light. Once the light dies down, Duke finds himself inside of a Wienerschnitzel restaurant in the “real world”. Confused by his surroundings, Duke sees a worker dancing around in a costume of the Wienerschnitzel mascot - an anthropomorphic hotdog - and fires a shotgun at it. Duke leaves the restaurant and does not recognize the city around him. He looks up to the sky, but doesn’t see any alien ship, just smog.
Dylan is riding his bike home when he sees Duke walking down the street with his shotgun out. Dylan instantly realizes that the man is his favorite video game character somehow transported to the real world. Duke asks Dylan where he is. Dylan says that he is in Los Angeles, but the real version, not like the version in the Duke Nukem video games. Duke is confused by the reference, so Dylan invites him to his house to show him. Dylan tries to sneak Duke past his mother, but when Duke gets a look at Lara he stops and begins flirting with her. Lara isn’t sure if she should be flattered by Duke’s attention or more disturbed that her son is hanging out with a grown man. Dylan manages to convince his mother that Duke’s an actor for a cosplay contest, but he needs to teach the actor about the games first. Jane and Trey enter the house and are just as confused as Lara was. Duke comments that Trey smells like bacon and is immediately suspicious of him. Dylan then shows Duke all the Duke Nukem video games in his room. Duke is stunned to silence for the first time ever when he sees Dylan playing the games, which Duke sees as events from his own life.
After hours of watching Dylan playing the games, Duke says that he needs some air. Duke sits on the Miller’s front porch and lights up a cigar. Duke sees General Graves next door and walks over to him. Duke reads Graves’ name badge and comments that he served under a general named Graves when he was stationed with the Army in Beirut. Graves asks detailed questions about his military history, but Duke begins to realize that he doesn’t even know very much about his own history. Dylan calls out for Duke. Duke walks back next door as Graves watches him suspiciously. Dylan tells Duke that he got permission for Duke to sleep in the guest room tonight, and that tomorrow they can go see his science teacher who might be able to explain how Duke ended up in the real world. Duke tells Dylan to stop calling this world the “real world” as his own world is very real to him as well.
As Dylan gets ready for school, Duke also starts to assemble his usual look but Dylan tells him he is definitely going to need to leave the guns at home. On the walk to school, Dylan instructs Duke to stay at the park across the street and he will get him when they're ready to meet with Mr. Park at lunch hour. Duke nods. However, after getting out of his second period class, Dylan does a double take when he sees Duke hanging out in the hallway talking to a group of upperclassmen. Time slows down as Dylan sees Anna and her friends coming his way. She asks who that man is, he's telling everyone he knows Dylan Miller. Dylan stumbles over his words a bit before saying that's his uncle. Anna is...confused but nods and Dylan should look into joining the wrestling team if he's got those genetics. Dylan laughs and says Duke's figure is from steroids, not genetics. Afterwards, Duke approaches and asks who's the chick.
After Mr. Park's class, Dylan asks if they can talk privately with his uncle. Mr. Park says he thought his uncle was on the school's banned list from his time as a student here but Dylan says it's not that uncle. Duke comes in and Mr. Park shakes his hand before complimenting him on his very impressive Duke Nukem cosplay. Park says those games helped him get through med school. Dylan asks why he's teaching if he went to med school and Park clarifies that he didn't finish med school. Dylan asks if he can blow Mr. Park's mind: this isn't a Duke Nukem cosplayer...it's Duke Nukem, from the video game. Duke explains how he got here and Mr. Park listens intently as he does a 360 of Duke. Dylan asks if he has any scientific explanation behind this and Mr. Park says that it surely has to do with some sort of inter-dimensional rift before rambling about the collapsing of realities and the theory behind it. Then he admits that he was making most of that up as he went along, he has no clue how this is possible but wishes them luck out there and it was nice to meet Dylan's "uncle". Duke gives him a fist bump and says "yipee-kiy-ay, motherfucker," making Park smile and say "Die Hard." Duke is confused and says that's what he tells people that he thinks are cool. Park begins to explain that it's from a movie before realizing that it does not probably exist in Duke's world.
As they leave school, Duke looks annoyed and Dylan asks what’s wrong. Duke says he hates being accused of stealing his catchphrase and begins wondering if all of his catchphrases are from movies from Dylan’s world. Dylan asks him to say a few:
"I'm here to kick ass…”
"And chew bubblegum. They Live."
"Hail to the king, baby!...?"
"Army of Darkness."
"Your ass is grass and I've got the weed whacker?"
"That one I think is yours."
Duke is on the verge of an existential crisis and Dylan tries to think of a way to cheer him up. However, he finds that Duke has already found that solution in the strip mall across the street: Serpent's Delight, the local strip club. Dylan says he's not old enough to go in but Duke says he has an idea. They walk in and the bouncer says Dylan is clearly too young. Duke doesn't remove his sunglasses and says that Dylan is his seeing-eye brother. Dylan is embarrassed by this and the bouncer gives a skeptical look before saying this job doesn't pay enough for him to care so he lets them through. Duke struts through while Dylan is in awe. Duke asks if Dylan has ever seen a woman before. Before he can answer, he says he saw Dylan talking to that girl at school, barely able to formulate a sentence. Dylan admits that he has a crush on Anna but is too nervous to ask her out. Duke says crushes are for wimps, he needs to stop watching all of those movies and start taking action in his own life. Dylan says he used to watch those movies with his dad growing up. They are interrupted when a stripper named Shelly (Katrina Bowden) starts doing her routine. Duke perks up and starts calling her Kitty but she pays no mind. He asks why she's ignoring him, he just saw her last week. Dylan realizes she looks just like a dancer within the game. She finally turns and says he can call her whatever he wants as long as he pays. He turns to Dylan, who only has his lunch money for the week. Duke says that will do.
After a long night at the strip club, Dylan and Duke return to the Miller home where Lara is waiting. She gives Dylan a hug before demanding where they have been all night. Dylan tries to make up a story, but Lara isn’t having it. Duke tells Lara that Dylan was just trying to make him feel more at home in this strange environment. Lara wants to be mad at them, but confesses that she is happy seeing Dylan acting more outgoing and confident since Duke’s arrival. Lara tells Dylan to go to bed. Duke is about to retire to the guest room, but Lara stops him. She tells him that Dylan has had a hard time since his father died, so she’s happy he has found a male role model - even if it is a strange… muscular… handsome one. Lara catches herself touching Duke’s muscles and tells Duke goodnight. Duke tells himself, “I still got it.”
At school, Dylan decides to take Duke’s advice and stop being a wimp. He pushes his way through the cafeteria to where Anna is sitting with her friends, but all is interrupted by a police car crashing through the wall. Trey steps out of the car, partially transformed into a monstrous “Pig Cop”. Duke jumps into the building through the car-sized hole in the wall and kicks Trey, sending him flying across the cafeteria, knocking him unconscious. Dylan looks back over to where Anna had been, but the other students have all already cleared out of the building. Dylan and Duke leave the school through the hole in the side of the building as sirens are heard. Dylan asks Duke where all his guns are, and Duke says that he left them at the house to fit in better.
As Dylan and Duke are on their way through the city. Duke is expecting there to be more Pig Cops, but they don’t find any. Duke starts to think that maybe Trey being a mutant is just a false alarm and no invasion is happening. Duke hears loud, appealing music coming from a nearby club and pushes his way through the line. Dylan sneaks in behind him. Inside, Steel Panther plays their signature song “Eyes of A Panther'' with the amps turned up to 11. Duke begins rocking out. Dylan gets into the concert as well, but suddenly the roof is ripped off of the concert venue by a large alien ship. Protozoid Slimers begin falling into the building, latching onto the faces of concert-goers. Duke and Dylan jump up onto the stage. Dylan hides behind a speaker while Duke grabs a guitar and uses it to hit several Slimers, smashing them into goo. Duke tosses the guitarist back his instrument and tells the band to keep playing while he takes care of business, “Let’s rock!” Duke jumps off the stage and begins using various improvised weapons to kill all the Slimers - liquor bottles, bar stools, and his trusty “Mighty Foot”. By the end of the song, Duke stands alone in a mess of green Protozoid Slimer guts. Duke wipes the goo off his face. “Piece of cake.” The band cheers for Duke, thanking him for saving their concert, even if the fans all split. Duke tells Dylan that they need to get back to his house as the invasion is happening, it was just slightly delayed. Duke and Dylan leave the venue, finding the city is in chaos. Pig Cops roam the streets, attacking civilians. Duke looks up and sees the Alien Mothership hovering over the city. They are attacked by a Pig Cop on a motorcycle. Duke knocks the pig off the bike. Duke and Dylan drive off on the police motorcycle. Along the way to Dylan’s house they pass the strip club and see a Pig Cop chasing after Shelly. Duke runs over the Pig Cop, saving Shelly. She yells back that she owes him a free lap dance for saving her life.
At Dylan’s house, Duke and Dylan find Lara, Jane and Uncle Keith hiding inside. Keith is armed with his baseball bat, Lara with a frying pan and Jane with a kitchen knife. They ask Duke if he knows what’s going on. He says that it appears to be a standard alien invasion - something he’s gone up against literally hundreds of times. He explains that he will go up to the mothership, kick some alien ass, and save the planet as usual. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. They hear Trey’s voice asking them to let him in. Before Dylan and Duke can stop her, Jane opens the door. Trey has fully transformed into a Pig Cop. Jane is horrified. Trey grabs her for a kiss before throwing her across the room. Duke goes to the garage and rummages through boxes for his hidden weapons. Keith tells Dylan and Lara to stay behind him and gets into his batting stance. Keith says he is about to hit a homerun and hits Trey’s pig face with the bat, but it does no damage. Keith gets down on his knees, pleading for his life. Jane gets back up and stabs Trey in the back with the kitchen knife. Trey squeals in pain. Lara then hits him over the face with the frying pan. Trey stumbles back. Duke then emerges from the garage with his shotgun, firing at Trey repeatedly until he is definitely dead. Keith finally gets up off the floor and hits Trey’s dead pig cop body with his baseball bat several times. Duke tells the Millers that for his plan to work, he’s going to need more firepower. Dylan says he has an idea.
Duke and Dylan’s family knock on the door of General Graves next door. Graves fires a gun at the door, yelling that the aliens are not going to take him alive - he won’t allow them to suck the secrets of Area 51 from brain like a milkshake. Dylan holds his face up to the large hole in Graves’ door and assures him that he isn’t with the aliens, but his family needs his help. Graves lets them inside and shows them his personal armory which is filled with every military weapon imaginable. Duke grabs a handful of grenades and then asks Graves if he has anything bigger. Graves laughs and leads them to the garage. Inside is an old M60 tank. Duke smiles. Dylan immediately asks if he can drive it. Graves tosses him the keys, saying it’s just like playing a video game.
Dylan drives the tank down the street toward the mothership. Duke rides on top of the tank shooting at Pig Cops. Inside, Keith is having the time of his life firing the tank’s weapons. They get close to the ship and Duke tells them they can stop. Dylan thanks Duke for his help and hopes that he can get back to his world by defeating the aliens. Duke tells Dylan that his world isn’t so bad either. Keith wishes Duke luck and Duke says “I don’t need luck. Luck needs me.” He looks to Dylan curiously, who confirms that he did not steal that from any movies.
Duke uses his jetpack to fly up to the mothership. Duke makes his way into the ship’s command center and gives a speech, “I'm your worst nightmare, you uninvited alien scum-sucker - so get ready to bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!” The Alien Queen then emerges from a cocoon and Duke finds himself taken aback and confused that the evil alien queen is actually pretty hot. She tells him that she wants him to join forces with her and lead her armies to conquer the known universes, even offering him his own planet to rule. Duke tells her that he likes the idea of Planet Duke. The Queen comes closer to Duke and kisses him. He kisses her back, but in the process he attaches several grenades to her body. Duke jumps for cover. The Queen tries to pull off the grenades, but they explode, turning her body into a pile of alien goo. All that is left is her head, which continues talking to Duke, telling him that it isn’t too late to reconsider his actions. Duke smashes her head under his boot. With the Queen dead, her army begins to die. The heads of all the Pig Cops in the city explode. Duke once again finds himself surrounded by a blinding white light. When the light is gone, so is the alien mothership. Dylan looks up to the now empty sky. Keith gives Dylan a pat on the back and says maybe driving is his sport. Dylan turns the tank around and drives it back to his neighborhood where Lara, Jane and General Graves are all waiting for them.
A week after the invasion, Dylan's school opens back up and the first thing on his agenda is to ask Anna out. She says of course, she thinks he's pretty cute. He asks what she likes to do and, after a beat, says she loves video games. Dylan smiles.
Dylan is playing the Duke Nukem game with Anna as he tells her how it was his dad’s favorite. She says that the character looks a lot like that uncle he brought to school. He chuckles but is a bit sad that Duke is back in the game world. As Duke strides into his favorite strip club, he gets a dance from his favorite stripper Kitty (Katrina Bowden). She asks if he is feeling lucky today and he says “I don’t need luck” before turning to the camera and saying “Luck needs me.” Dylan lights up hearing this. In the game, Kitty then asks Duke why that kid isn’t with him this time. Dylan’s jaw and controller drop simultaneously.
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